Thursday, May 19, 2011

No Shortage of Crazy

I've tried to resist. Really I have. I hate to give blog space to whackos, but the temptation is just too great.  I am sure everyone, well at least everyone in North America, is aware that there is a group of misguided souls in the US claiming that May 21 will be the date the rapture occurs. Unfortunately it is one of those news stories that, in spite of your best efforts, you just can't avoid. According to the story at CNN:

"Those who are saved will be taken up to heaven, and those who aren’t will endure unspeakable suffering."

There seems to be an unwritten rule that states the people with the fewest number of firing brain neurons will get the biggest headlines. Think about it. When is the last time you read a story with headlines stating: 

"Excellent Driving Skills and Following the Rules of the Road Delivers Driver Safely to Her Destination"

"Passengers Arrive Alive Thanks To Train Engineer Not Texting"

"Careful Budgeting and Living Within Means Lead to Bills Being Paid On Time"

I have a few problems with this whole rapture scenario, starting with the date. I just got an email this morning saying my iPad 2 has shipped from China and will be delivered May 27. So I'm sorry, a rapture date of May 21 just doesn't work for me. And if by some fluke my iPad does happen to arrive before May 21 I have a question that wasn't answered in the FAQs. Do iPads get raptured along with their owners? 

Which brings me to another question not covered in the FAQs. Will there be Internet in a post-rapture world? I am worried the "unspeakable suffering" that unraptured people (and their iPads) will have to endure is an inability to connect to the Internet. Rumours are that just the 3G network will be down, which would eliminate the adjective "unspeakable" and downgrade things to just plain suffering.

Assuming the Internet continues to function my guess is the unspeakable suffering will actually occur on social media sites. Facebook will be a nightmare as users worldwide check to see who's still on their friend list and whose walls are now nothing but white space. And Twitter is doomed. There is no way the site will be able to handle the tweets as those getting raptured and those left behind follow each other in real time. 

This whole rapture story is just more proof (as if any was needed) that there is no cure for stupidity. Or  bad theology. Besides, I know for a fact the real rapture is going to happen May 27. And I've got the email and tracking number from Apple to prove it.

Rap ture
1. a feeling of intense pleasure or joy


  1. Cute post!! I have only just heard about the May 21st rapture. I'm waiting to see what will happen December 21st 2012!!!

  2. This post cracked me up! I once saw a bumper sticker that I've wished ever since that I had bought...'When the Rapture comes, can I have your car?'. ;)

  3. I guess anyone self-conscious about their clothing size should run out and buy a bunch of smaller stuff to leave littered around their homes or maybe in their cars--for when those left behind come looking for them.

    That reminds me, I never buy clothes for my wife. I used to, but the reaction was either: "So you're telling me I'm fat!" (if it was too small) or "So you think I'm that big!!!" (if it was too big). I'm sure I must have gotten it right at least once, but she still responded with one of the above.

  4. Thanks for the chuckle!

    If you are gone and I'm not, and your iPad is left behind, can I have it?

  5. @amelia - The December 21, 2012 date will offer some hope to all those that wake up disappointed on the morning of May 22! :-)

    @Rachel - That is a hilarious bumper sticker. The US has way better bumper stickers than Canada. I love reading all of them when I cross the border.

    @Ric - Great idea about the clothes, but it brings up another question not covered in the FAQs. Is one raptured in one's clothes, or is it a birthday suit only event? And as far as buying your wife clothes maybe gift cards to her favourite clothing stores would be the safest way go.

    @Aneta - Here's my best offer. If my iPad isn't allowed to go I am staying behind with it and you can take my place in the rapture. Sorry to disappoint you.

  6. I've been sending outlook meeting requests to people for Saturday at 6 - Rapture. accept or decline. Seriously funny post. And 6:00? Is that CST or GMT? What time zone would Jesus use?

  7. Wonder if I can take all my handspun yarn with me, maybe just half of the sock yarns, and the roving I want to spin next. Please someone bring me a big uHaul before tomorrow.

  8. love....!
    very funny!
    sitting here very much alive and kicking, only rapture happening is the joy of a nice cup of tea after a strenous morning shopping...
    Rapture organiser isn't using my time zone, it would appear..

  9. I was raptured in bed last night! I'm glad I'm still here to find pleasure in it.

    Tom Wright's take: (He was an Church of England bishop and a celebrated New Testament scholar)